"The happiness of mankind will be realized when
women and men coordinate and advance equally."
_'Abdu'l-Baha
Q & A with Dr. McGraw
Q1) You had mentioned an exercise at the ACT Women 2006 Conference about heart math. Can you explain again how its done and when to use it?
A1) HeartMath is a for profit company that can be accessed on the web at www.heartmath.com. They offer a technique for reducing negative emotional states and stress that they have researched over the years. They believe the emotions of the heart and the biophysical correlate of heart rate variability offer an access point into deeper positive emotional states and an access point to spiritual wisdom. The web site and materials offered include exercises that are meant to “entrain” or regulate the beating of the heart into a synchronized rhythm while the meditator focuses on positive emotions of gratitude and love. These exercises allow the meditator to access the “wisdom of the heart” to solve problems. Their research shows that those who practice their techniques regularly show positive gains in health and psychological well-being. To find out more visit their web site and purchase one of their books or training materials. I have found “Transforming Anxiety: The HeartMath Solution for Overcoming Fear and Worry and Creating Serenity by Doc Childre and Deborah Rozman to be very good. Other similar books promise to transform anger, stress, etc. All the books by these authors cover similar exercises to entrain the heart and to achieve a calm, alert state of mind.
Q2) It seems that men and women have different communication styles. How can I help my husband communicate what he is feeling with me more openly?
A2) Much has been written on the different communication styles of men and women. The developmental research is solid on the fact that girls talk earlier than boys as a group and are more relationship oriented as youngsters. Women turn to each other for social support in times of stress and develop skills in expressing emotion, providing empathic support, etc. While young girls are doing this, the young boys are often engaged in activities like competitive sports. They are socialized to be strong and independent and to solve problems not by “just listening” but by acting and “fixing.” This is often a conflict point between men and women. A woman wants a man to “just listen” and he feels he is dropping the ball by listening and not “doing anything.” By being mutually respectful of different communication styles and by trying to learn how to mutually adapt, men and women can find a way to relate that is comfortable. It is important though that women respect the good parts of men’s styles just as men need to learn to open up and share. I have come to enjoy friendships with men because they put few demands on me emotionally and “take me as I am” on a given day. Men in my work place talk about work and world and community events. In the past, I might have found these relationships too “superficial”. Now I enjoy them, as I understand this is a way of being close without having to invade one another’s privacy. This is more a “male” way and I really enjoy and value these friendships.
Q3) I love my mother more than anything in the world. But I find that she and I don't always see things eye-to-eye and argue about a lot. What is a healthy and normal mother-daughter relationship?
A3) It is so good to hear that you love your mother more than anything in the world. I am sure she loves you also, more than anything. To end the arguments, I suggest that you take a step back from the “content” of the arguments, which are probably trivial in the large scheme of things and ask yourself, “Why am I arguing with my mother?” Do you feel she is trying to control you? If so, instead of arguing, thank her for the input and go ahead and make your own decisions. Do you feel she is being critical? If so, thank her for her input, and go ahead and make your own decisions. In other words, if the issue is being an adult now, and not needing her input, just proceed. She will catch on. Or, perhaps you can turn it around. Is your mother now needing your help and assistance but perhaps does not know how to ask for it? Does she feel “outmoded” or useless and insecure about your relationship? Many different types of deeper issues could be fueling these conflicts that are emerging on the surface. To really get to the root of deeper problems you need to have a heart to heart talk. I advise you to call your mother and tell her how much you love her and that you are troubled by the continuing conflict. Ask if you could set a date and time and place where you would both be comfortable and feel safe to bring up the deeper issues that might be fueling these conflicts. Perhaps you need a neutral person you both trust to help you. If no family member or friend is appropriate, there are always therapists who can lend a hand. Certainly, it would be best to solve this problem and be able to bask in the good feelings of your mutual love.